counting down

I’d like to think that it’s fate that my birthday this year falls on the same day as the Love Yourself Linkup. A lot has changed for me in this past year and so it’s crucial to fight the usual bouts of disappointment I typically associate with this annual event. I am officially closer to the age 30 than the age 20 and instead of feeling like my youth is slipping, I need to look at this birthday as one year closer to happiness.

The lure of admitting defeat gets stronger with passing time. As I begin to hear the biological clock ticking away, I often wonder how much longer I can keep this up before having to succumb to my greatest fears in order to sustain my hopes for a family. But as much as I’d like to fall in line with the crowd, I know that happiness is still out there. The yearning I have for it is more palpable than ever and as the desire for stability grows, so does my resistance to the currents of practical living.

How do you keep swimming when you have no idea what direction the shore is in? (Yes, I’m going to try to keep going with this ocean metaphor)… You just do. There is no answer other than what your basic survival instinct is telling you to do: keep your head above it all and continue searching. 

Every now and then, I catch myself thinking, “well I guess it’s finally time to give up,” thinking that perhaps everyone was right. Perhaps this meandering journey was meant to show me that I’m instead supposed to follow the well-proven paths set before me. But could I ever believe that with my whole heart?

Loving myself has probably been the most difficult and arduous challenge I’ve taken on in a very long time, but it’s also been the most worthwhile. I guess it’s really been a lifelong struggle and I suspect it will not end anytime soon, as the seasons and the circumstances will continue to evolve. Writing this blog and being a part of this linkup has meant such a great deal to me and I only recently realized how much when I took a break from it. The days I spent not writing, not reflecting, I felt like I was coming apart at the seams, unraveling quicker and quicker each second. It made me realize how important it is for me to keep writing in order to stay balanced, focused, and faithful to my dreams.

I want to thank you. To all of you who are reading along and following my meandering journey. I can’t tell you where it’s going to end up, but I know it’ll be something greater than anything I could have crafted without your help and feedback. It means more than I could ever express, to know that there are wonderful and inspiring people listening to my rants, sharing in my triumphs, and supporting me through it all. To quote the late  and great Whitney Houston herself, “my love is your love and your love is my love”.

[ image via Chrissie White ]

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